I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
