Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
