Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
