Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
These tits shall not be calmed
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
