$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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