The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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