sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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