ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
