I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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