My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
