Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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