Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
