My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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