Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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