you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
