I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
