I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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