I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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