never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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