I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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