if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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