I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
