i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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