I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
