Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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