I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
