Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You left your phone here
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