Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
