I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
