explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
