I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm like, not good at living.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
