I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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