yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
