Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I have vodka in my lungs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
