It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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