Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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