He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
