And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
