i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
