Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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