this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
