im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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