I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
