Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize