Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
