just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
