i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
