watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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