Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
