I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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