I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
