I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She is in my trunk
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I touched a dick in church today
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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