Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
