if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
