nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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