She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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