i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
