I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
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You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog