foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
