he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
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